Tuesday, October 14, 2008

" but mom...Princess Jasmine married a homeless man..why cant I?"

Lets take a moment to talk about weddings. Weddings are great. Who doesnt love white dresses, champagne, I night full of sloppy dancing, and bouquet catching? The ritual itsself I think is great fun and we ( girls sepecifically) have the idea implanted in our heads that marraige is just as great as the reception party. Is it though? Because of my personal lack of experience in the marriage department-I can not know for sure how great (or not so great) tying the knot really is. It seems to me though that maybe we ladies have placed entirely too much faith in the male sex. We think that we are capable of changing men, Did you know that 78% of women consider themselves problem solvers( #1 fictional fact of this blog) and unfortunetly I also think that we ( or at least I know I do) tend to be attracted to men who are clearly a recipe for disaster. bad combonation.

Just think about this for a moment. We have all heard of/met/ fallen head over heals for the stereotypical "ladies man".( 81% of women admit to being in a relationship with a well known lades man ( fabricated fact #2) These men who go through girlfriends like the rest of us go through tampons. He picks them up- keeps them around for a month or so..and then give them the kick out the door. Its easy to hate a man like this...a man who cant seem to commit to anything...but thats who he is and the women he dates KNOW that he has this reputation. Why do we fall into his trap? He would not be a "ladies' man" if the ladies didnt fall for it!

Ill tell you why.

We secretly think that we are the magic ticket to monogomy. Deep down we think that he is going to meet us and agree with our selfimpression that we are nothing but fabulous...and he will not dispose of us with the other tampons he has dated. Usually not the case. Why why why do we think that men who clearly have the words " STAY AWAY FROM ME...I AM TROUBLE" on their forhead...are still worthy of our attention?

A brilliant piece of literature I read recently gave me the answer to why we have developed so much faith in unworthy male companions. Granted that this genius piece of writing was in the form of a facebook bumpersticker, but it moved me all the same. It says that " Disney gave me unrealistic expectations about men". After reading this, I gladly invited it to join the billions of other things polluting my electronic wall, but it wasn't until today that I realized how truly genius this bumper sticker (that isn't made for a bumper) truly is. And how relevent it is to my brainstorm about men and marraige.

Follow me.

Exhibit A: Our dear friend Pocahontas and her lover John Smith. When we were younger the story was quite simple. Pocahontas and her people are making pottery with mud, painting with all the colors of the wind, and weaving all sorts of great things in their village. John Smith sails into the picture with his wavy blond hair. Smith swipes our heroine off her feet, dad is pissed, they sing to a creepy talking tree, and although I haven't seen the movie for a while, I can only assume that it has a happy ending. In reality though, we were mislead into thinking that Pocahontas had such a romance. Senior Symposium taught me ( and I thought that I would never use anything I learned in senior symp after graduation) that Pocahontas was only 13 years old at the time she met John Smith. Maybe I should refer to him as Mr. Smith since he was in his mid 30's at the time! Although there is no proof that they actually had sexual relations, if they WERE together, it was hardly a romance, it was more like child rape. She didn't have a studly lover, she had a pedophile. And given their age difference, the movie's happy ending missed the intended message that love can over come obstacles. Love does not conquer all...child molesters conquer all. Great message.

What about Ariel? She fell in love with Eric, and who can really blame her? He's rich, handsome and most impressively, he is fully equipped with legs and a cartoon penis. Ariel was a beautiful girl with flawless skin, a tummy as hard as the Sebastian's shell ( and maybe Eric's cartoon penis?), and thick red hair that any girl would give up chocolate for. Okay...lets not go crazy...thick red hair that any girl would pay $15 to get it in a box for. It seems that the only thing that keeps her from the status of perfection is that she has no legs and as far as I can tell an unfortunate lack of vagina. ( I do apologize that for those of you who do not supporst my use of the term vagina. I am ot trying to be offensive...just factual) Unfortunately Ariel, no matter how hot she may be, knows that she isn't good enough for her legged lover. We all know the story, Areil gives up her voice for a pair of legs to impress beloved Eric. What the hell does THAT tell us about what women need to do in order for men to try to kiss us..... in a pond.....surrounded by frogs and birds..... singing in perfect harmony, (a song that I have to assume was unrehearsed...about as realistic as in the movie " She's All That" when ALL of the kids know the same dance at the prom.)? We need to be sexy...and be silent! Ariel doesn't seem to care that Eric doesn't give a crap that she has absolutely nothing to say. He " falls in love with her" before even hearing the sound of her voice. He clearly knows NOTHING about her ( except maybe her cup size)...I just dont think that that is the start to a deep and meaningful relationship. She ends up "happy" separated from her family with a pair of legs that she can barely walk on. I guess she was also granted a vagina in the deal...so maybe its worth the sacrifice.

Of course we think that we can live happly ever after with men who are not quite prince charmings. Just think about the crap that we watched when we were little. These cartoon ladies had these great relationships that we desperately wanted to grow up to have. Pocahontas loved her child molester, Ariel didn't care that Eric liked her even though he knew nothing about her personality, Belle fondled a grizzly bear ( as adults we call that bestiality), and Princess Jasmine ended up with a homeless man with a past of identity theft and an imaginary blue ghost that comes out of a bottle ( drugs maybe?). Really, I don't think that we can blame ourselves for our hopes and dreams of fixing men- we have been trained to have have these fantasies. Today I learned not only that cartoon penises have ruined us, but I have also developed a strong religious belief based on the faith that Facebook bumperstickers hold the answers to life's most difficult problems.

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