Monday, June 21, 2010

Recently, I have been suffering from a severe and painful case of writers block. Even more recently, I have come to the conclusion that the cause of this said illness is not due to my lack of interesting ideas but because of the enormous amount of much pressure I have placed on myself to make my writing interesting. My life is interesting. My job is interesting. I am interesting. What more inspiration do I really need?

If you ask me, goals are mighty important and the best way to hold yourself accountable in relation to these goals is to share them with others. I am hoping that by sharing the following goals with my readers ( I am aware that I at the moment only have one follower but I am hopful that eventually it will be appropriate for me to use this word in the plural form) that I will be more likely to stick to them.

Goal #1- I will write a minimum of 5 posts a week. Ideally, I would like to write 7 days a week, but I know that there are going to be a few days that I will not have access to a computer and it is not healthy to set unrealistic goals.
Goal#2- I will not put any topic on an off-limits list. Personally, I think that the most interesting things to write/talk about are the ones that are suppossed to stay hushhush. With that being said, if you are easily offended this may not be a great match for your entertainment.
Goal#3 Usually, I tihnk that the blogs that have a common theme are the most interesting and I would like to eventually create a common theme for my entries. Ultimately, this may require me to cut this blog and start a new one altogether... we will just have to wait and see. I am hoping that writing about my everyday adventures will eventually lead to a genious idea of a common thread. Until then, ideas and suggestions are welcomed.

Here it does. The start of something new and different.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

when I feel wild..

When I feel wild I break all the rules. I like to stand backwards on escalators and I have been known to enter through the “exit only” door at the grocery store. Sometimes, on days that I am feeling extra crazy, I ignore the experts and chew my food only 38 times before swallowing instead of the recommended 40. I wear my sneakers with out socks. When I feel wild, I don’t dot my “I”s and I place my commas where I please. The laws of grammar do not apply to me. I eat dessert before my dinner and every once in a while I don’t stop for 2 full seconds at a stop sign. I stand in front of the microwave and I hog all of the blankets.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What do you believe?

I believe in magic, miracles, and monsters under my bed. I believe that all of the world’s citizens are worthy of finding companionship- where ever they see fit. I believe that hard work pays off- even if it takes longer than expected. I believe that we all deserve more than our fifteen minutes of fame. I believe everyone should have the right to their own beliefs- even if I don’t agree.

I believe everything I see in infomercials. I want to believe that Michael Jackson is just misunderstood. I believe that boys and girls don’t understand each other, and that life is more interesting that way. I believe that the most interesting people are the people who are not afraid to believe in the non-traditional.

I believe in the importance of bathroom stops during long car rides. I believe that all living things, whether found in my back yard or across the globe should not suffer in result of human greed. I believe that art can heal and that brownies can fix a case of the Mondays.

I believe in believing in others- and in myself.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

" but mom...Princess Jasmine married a homeless man..why cant I?"

Lets take a moment to talk about weddings. Weddings are great. Who doesnt love white dresses, champagne, I night full of sloppy dancing, and bouquet catching? The ritual itsself I think is great fun and we ( girls sepecifically) have the idea implanted in our heads that marraige is just as great as the reception party. Is it though? Because of my personal lack of experience in the marriage department-I can not know for sure how great (or not so great) tying the knot really is. It seems to me though that maybe we ladies have placed entirely too much faith in the male sex. We think that we are capable of changing men, Did you know that 78% of women consider themselves problem solvers( #1 fictional fact of this blog) and unfortunetly I also think that we ( or at least I know I do) tend to be attracted to men who are clearly a recipe for disaster. bad combonation.

Just think about this for a moment. We have all heard of/met/ fallen head over heals for the stereotypical "ladies man".( 81% of women admit to being in a relationship with a well known lades man ( fabricated fact #2) These men who go through girlfriends like the rest of us go through tampons. He picks them up- keeps them around for a month or so..and then give them the kick out the door. Its easy to hate a man like this...a man who cant seem to commit to anything...but thats who he is and the women he dates KNOW that he has this reputation. Why do we fall into his trap? He would not be a "ladies' man" if the ladies didnt fall for it!

Ill tell you why.

We secretly think that we are the magic ticket to monogomy. Deep down we think that he is going to meet us and agree with our selfimpression that we are nothing but fabulous...and he will not dispose of us with the other tampons he has dated. Usually not the case. Why why why do we think that men who clearly have the words " STAY AWAY FROM ME...I AM TROUBLE" on their forhead...are still worthy of our attention?

A brilliant piece of literature I read recently gave me the answer to why we have developed so much faith in unworthy male companions. Granted that this genius piece of writing was in the form of a facebook bumpersticker, but it moved me all the same. It says that " Disney gave me unrealistic expectations about men". After reading this, I gladly invited it to join the billions of other things polluting my electronic wall, but it wasn't until today that I realized how truly genius this bumper sticker (that isn't made for a bumper) truly is. And how relevent it is to my brainstorm about men and marraige.

Follow me.

Exhibit A: Our dear friend Pocahontas and her lover John Smith. When we were younger the story was quite simple. Pocahontas and her people are making pottery with mud, painting with all the colors of the wind, and weaving all sorts of great things in their village. John Smith sails into the picture with his wavy blond hair. Smith swipes our heroine off her feet, dad is pissed, they sing to a creepy talking tree, and although I haven't seen the movie for a while, I can only assume that it has a happy ending. In reality though, we were mislead into thinking that Pocahontas had such a romance. Senior Symposium taught me ( and I thought that I would never use anything I learned in senior symp after graduation) that Pocahontas was only 13 years old at the time she met John Smith. Maybe I should refer to him as Mr. Smith since he was in his mid 30's at the time! Although there is no proof that they actually had sexual relations, if they WERE together, it was hardly a romance, it was more like child rape. She didn't have a studly lover, she had a pedophile. And given their age difference, the movie's happy ending missed the intended message that love can over come obstacles. Love does not conquer all...child molesters conquer all. Great message.

What about Ariel? She fell in love with Eric, and who can really blame her? He's rich, handsome and most impressively, he is fully equipped with legs and a cartoon penis. Ariel was a beautiful girl with flawless skin, a tummy as hard as the Sebastian's shell ( and maybe Eric's cartoon penis?), and thick red hair that any girl would give up chocolate for. Okay...lets not go crazy...thick red hair that any girl would pay $15 to get it in a box for. It seems that the only thing that keeps her from the status of perfection is that she has no legs and as far as I can tell an unfortunate lack of vagina. ( I do apologize that for those of you who do not supporst my use of the term vagina. I am ot trying to be offensive...just factual) Unfortunately Ariel, no matter how hot she may be, knows that she isn't good enough for her legged lover. We all know the story, Areil gives up her voice for a pair of legs to impress beloved Eric. What the hell does THAT tell us about what women need to do in order for men to try to kiss us..... in a pond.....surrounded by frogs and birds..... singing in perfect harmony, (a song that I have to assume was unrehearsed...about as realistic as in the movie " She's All That" when ALL of the kids know the same dance at the prom.)? We need to be sexy...and be silent! Ariel doesn't seem to care that Eric doesn't give a crap that she has absolutely nothing to say. He " falls in love with her" before even hearing the sound of her voice. He clearly knows NOTHING about her ( except maybe her cup size)...I just dont think that that is the start to a deep and meaningful relationship. She ends up "happy" separated from her family with a pair of legs that she can barely walk on. I guess she was also granted a vagina in the maybe its worth the sacrifice.

Of course we think that we can live happly ever after with men who are not quite prince charmings. Just think about the crap that we watched when we were little. These cartoon ladies had these great relationships that we desperately wanted to grow up to have. Pocahontas loved her child molester, Ariel didn't care that Eric liked her even though he knew nothing about her personality, Belle fondled a grizzly bear ( as adults we call that bestiality), and Princess Jasmine ended up with a homeless man with a past of identity theft and an imaginary blue ghost that comes out of a bottle ( drugs maybe?). Really, I don't think that we can blame ourselves for our hopes and dreams of fixing men- we have been trained to have have these fantasies. Today I learned not only that cartoon penises have ruined us, but I have also developed a strong religious belief based on the faith that Facebook bumperstickers hold the answers to life's most difficult problems.

Friday, October 3, 2008

9 reasons that I know that I am an adult

I would like to dedicate my very first Blog to my co-worker Donna who has inspired me to create my own blog! In her honor I have created a list of events and reasons that qualify me as an ADULT!

1. I FOUND A GREY HAIR- Yes, 2 days after my 22nd Birthday I was shamelessly admiring my reflection in my bathroom mirror and I suddenly noticed a string of hair that was significantly lighter that the rest of my head. I leaned in closer to get a better look, hoping that it was simply a blonde streak left from the summer. No Luck. It was pure white. Naturally, I call my mother immediately and since I have the tendency to over react, I instantly broke into tears. After a few minutes of bellyaching about the end of my childhood and brainstorming qualities I will look for in a suitable nursing home that I will need to check in to by the end of the month, I realized that maybe, just maybe, this grey hair is not the end of the world after all. There is nothing that screams adult like having grey hair. I have decided that I am not thinking of my grey hair ( that was pulled out of my head and is being saved on my dresser ( wow creepy)) as a bad thing at all. This is the first sign of proof that I have taken that step to the darkside...that step towards adult hood. They say that with age comes wisdom- so lets not think of our grey hair as STREAKS OF WISDOM!

2. I was at a wedding this summer and the best man asked me if I was MARRIED! Although I am currently as single as they come and that I am entirely too independent to even consider marraige right now.... that man thought that it was a POSSIBILITY that I was hitched. Adults get married...end of story. The average woman in the US gets married when she is 26. ( Actually I just made that up, but it sounds about right.) 26 is only about 4 years older than me!

Also as a side note- did you know that the average women kisses 29 people before she get married? Isnt that interesting? I didnt even make that statistic up...some one else did.

3. When I go clothing shopping... I look for Black, grey, Beige, and white. uuugh. Lets just sign me up for AARP now...

4. I no longer drink from a keg. Sophisticated adults like myself enjoy sharing a bottle of wine with a friend. Usually we even use glasses.

5. If my mini van doesnt scream ADULT... I dont know what does.

6. I have been practicing walking in heals....with little luck...but still...I have been practicing.

7. I know how to knit.

8. I no longer consider Raman noodles as "cooking"

9. Iam an adult... adults do not need to justify their reasoning. Im adult.." Because I said so!"